Anyone who knows me has probably heard me talk about opening a startup. The thrill of standing on your own 2 feet, getting to wear many hats, the huge asymmetric upside if you're successful (and, at a minimum, the rich/textured life story if not). Above all else, it's been my primary aspiration for many years to create a workplace akin to those where I found my self-confidence and met my best friends (UW-Madison DoIT, Google Drive)—a real "second home" for the doers and strivers.

And yet, here I sit. It's November and I'm filling out 17 annual reviews (kill me) for the 5th year in a row, comfortable and safe within the bulwarked walls of Google. I always said that I was just collecting the experience and skills needed to head out on my own, but the years stretch on....what the hell am I doing!?

Life is full of these idle dreams; ideas about what the future will hold, who we are, and where we are going. Things that are always just around the corner or paths that we will surely walk in the fullness of time. I have heard many such things from my friends and have my own fair share...

• "Next year I'll move to Europe."
• "Maybe I should go back to grad school, finish my PsyD, and start my own clinical practice."
• "I will spend the rest of my life with you."
• "Let's make a video game."
• "I will climb the corporate ladder and become a Director/VP."
• "Nothing would make me happier than raising a family of my own."
• "I want to experience living in NYC."

In psychology, there's a term for these imagined paths: life scripts. We unconsciously form/reform these throughout our lives, but especially during key developmental phases. In early childhood we're taught how the world will regard us and how we ought to hold the world (trust vs. mistrust), in adolescence an image of our adult lives takes shape (often with heavy doses of parental influence), and throughout adulthood that life script is repeatedly challenged by the reality of our circumstances. Aside: it's why dating can be so painful...you're constantly writing, throwing away, and rewriting life scripts about what your future will hold as you try to find someone to love. It can be jarring to have your sense of self and eventual destination in life rewritten so radically and so frequently.

At the end of it all, very few of these things will actually come to pass. We talk a big game, but that's all it is: talk. So how can we tell when something is real versus a daydream?

A dear friend of mine recently introduced me to the fluff test. The fluff test is simple: ask yourself what is a real, hard requirement for you and what is not? That is to say, what's fluff? This is especially important if these un-lived dreams haunt you and take away from existing in and fully experiencing the present. You must give yourself permission to let go of the fluff.

The easiest way to diagnose fluff is to look hard at what you're willing to make sacrifices for (or have already sacrificed for as that will surely reveal a pattern). When I look at my own life, there were many things for which I made real sacrifices:

• I spent almost all of my formative teenage and university years grinding to become an exceptional engineer, skipping canon moments and delaying key developmental experiences until much later. It's rare when something hits you that hard and that true, but becoming someone capable of creation on a grand scale was non-negotiable.
• I left behind my very first adult friends, departed places I loved (Madison, Seattle) and delayed romantic relationships to ascend the corporate ladder.
• I have moved (multiple times) and spent a lot of money to experience novelty–new cities, new hobbies, new friends. I could have FIRE'd by now with a more restrained approach to life but I simply cannot tolerate boredom.
• I gave up much of my individuality to try and be more like my friends and potential partners so that we might grow closer.

Sometimes what turns out to be fluff will stun you. I never thought "starting a company" or "having a family" were fluff but my track record speaks for itself. These are things to date I've made no real sacrifices for; it's time to shit or get off the pot.

This isn't meant to be a sad thing or even all that terminal. Life is long. What might be fluff today can become a very real all-encompassing driver tomorrow. Acknowledging the seasonality and progressive nature of life is a key part of freeing oneself from the ghosts of an un-lived future. Only then can you let your present needs/goals/urges in and the answer to "what's next" will become readily apparent.

I've written a lot recently about professional ennui: the notion that, for many working professionals, we accomplish major life goals only to now find ourselves adrift and unsure what to do with the years ahead. Through the lens of the fluff test, I've come to realize it's really all about regret. At the end of my life, what will I regret having never done or never tried?

For me, attaining a senior leadership position at a respectable, large company was the animating force behind the first chapter of my life. It wasn't about the power or the money or the status...rather, it was external validation that "no, I really am good at something." To be trusted to lead a large group of competent people, direct lots of resources, and deliver a product that people actually care about would mean I had mastered the craft, and not just in my head either!

It would have been a great regret had I not pushed myself to achieve this...to hit the breaking point and just keep pushing and keep sacrificing until it finally, FINALLY, happened. Now in the end my reward is a job that is torturing me...but at least I have no regrets ;) But I suppose that's the point: it isn't always about the destination or the pay off. It's about being comfortable in your own skin and at peace with how you spent these few blessed years we have on Earth.

I would have deep regrets if I hadn't....

• ...seen how far I could go in my engineering career.
• ...figured out how to be less damn awkward and relate to people.
• ...gotten fit and experienced the joy of exerting oneself at the limit of your physical ability.
• ...fallen deeply in love and through the pain grow past neediness and learn who I really am.

As you journey through life, ask yourself: "what is the next great regret I will forestall?"